Finding a mate is NOT about pursuing a mate. Finding a mate is about pursuing the greater YOU.
This really opened my eyes. For most of my life hip-hop played a contributing role in the way I perceived women. Seeing them as “girls” that are always up to no good, got sexy assets, but never looking into their internal individualism. More importantly, never looking into myself. THAT, in itself is immaturity, retarding my growth as a man and going with the “norm” of what society portrays as men being the predator and women being our “prey”. That concept alone is a huge recipe for disaster. Looking back at past relationships, I was always looking for that woman to be my other half, to fill a void and complete me. Truth is, that void comes within myself. It comes within not looking at the patterns in each of my relationships and how they crash and burned just as hard if not harder as when the “sparks flew, emotions ran high ” in the beginning (Dumb & Dumber lol). Right now, I am just beginning to look back at my relationships, seeing the mistakes I made, the mistakes they made, and how the whole concept of a relationship became distorted by society, the media,and music. I need to personally refine myself in order to be able to have a complete relationship and be able to recognize a potential significant others individualism. What I mean is, I am beginning to not believe in “compatibility” and more on self-esteem and a woman’s individualistic affection for herself and who SHE is. There is no timetable, but, what I can say is my past relationships haven’t worked for one reason or another, a lot beginning with the concept I have stated. This is to be continued….
On another note, I have felt myself slowly becoming closer to nature. Since coping with my most recent failure in an attempt of a relationship (from both ends), I have found myself being out in nature more. Clearing my head, taking one breathe at a time, and reflecting on experiences looking for patterns, coming up with analyses. So today, work was very slow, I finished my training within 2 hrs, and the rest of the time I talked to two of my fellow coworkers. One, her name is Don, is a 45-year-old Mother of two, who is divorced from her husband and has a boyfriend of several years. Very outgoing, experienced in life, who is having trouble with her two children who are 16 and 15. Both boys, and experimenting with marijuana and drinking, etc. She seemed a bit flustered because her house was turned upside down when the 16-year-old threw a party while she was on a mini vacation with her boyfriend. She grounded him, but, in talking to her she indirectly asked me for advice. First, starting off by asking me what marijuana does to you, then asking how she can get her oldest to stop. My best piece of advice? I told her to just let him go through it, that, through his own experiences he will learn, there is only so much you can do in hopes that your children growing up make positive decisions rather than negative ones. I believe that is the biggest challenge about raising a child, one that I feel instills fear in parents rather than embracing the challenge in a society that is corrupt and who’s perception of the “norm” is contorted. She seemed very engaged in the conversation and I think that conversation helped our friendship as coworkers raise to positive levels, I could feel the energy, it was very random, yet welcoming.
The other, Justina, is pregnant with twins! She had been wanting to have a baby for a while and it wasn’t working out, then one day POOP! Just like that, she got more than she asked for. A very special and unique gift from GOD if you ask me. Those twins will always have each other. I have always been fascinated by twins and the connection many grow to have mentally with one another. I have more I want to say about that, but, I want to gather my thoughts first. Now, hearing she was having twins also hurt me. Why? Because at one point during my college days, Junior year, a woman who I was sexually active with on a consistent basis actually became pregnant with twins. Twins that were mine. At the time, she never told me and after about 6 months of hooking up (year and a half in total) all of a sudden Junior year coming back after spring break, she held so much resentment towards me that I had no idea why. Granted, she was getting attached and I wasn’t, and I will elaborate more on that in a moment. See, she ended up getting an abortion and telling me about it after she had taken care of it, coming over one day to my suite, and crying. Telling me she never told me because she felt it was for the best and was not going to be persuaded to keep them. I had no idea what to say and what made it worse is I was high off marijuana when she told me, which flustered me by enhancing my emotions which were already all over the place due to my disconnection with myself while under the influence. I bring this is up because people really take for granted the underlying uniqueness behind meaningful sex.
Our society has made it seem perfectly normal to have sex with someone you barely know, one night stands as they refer to it, and many people just having sex with buddies just for their own self-pleasure. Just to “get off” and then go their separate ways. It’s fucked. I was guilty of having friends with benefits relationships throughout college and once I met a woman whom I will refer to as Littleton, I stopped. For a several months now I have not had sexual intercourse, now don’t get me wrong, I love sex, but that is the problem. Many people love sex, but, are unaware of the attachment and addiction it becomes. Everyday, children are born without a father, or a mother, and are adopted or abandoned. All because of one night pleasures and selfishness within one’s self and the “norm” society distorts us with. What I’m trying to say is, there’s nothing more special then having sex when emotions are attached. It is almost like a spiritual embodiment.
This is one positive I took out of my relationship with Littleton. She taught me to respect myself.
Anyway, my point here as well relates to what I said in the beginning about the state of hip-hop and the way it shows women to be objects and just fucking women to show your the shit. Bragging over numbers and what not. Females have followed the model as well, thinking like men and just getting what they want, and in return, emotions and feelings become in-genuine and fake. Which brings me back to the point about Predator and Prey, a setup for failure. My music has also portrayed it in the past and I am working on releasing music with more positive messages, but first, I have to release the ones where my emotions, both, negative and positive, were in a dark place.
I end this blog with some beautiful pictures of where I will spend my 30 minute lunch breaks at work. The hotel I work at has beautiful park overlooking parts of the Charles River and that is where I spent a good hour today (on and off since it wasn’t busy at work) coping with my last relationship and finding myself. It is a process that is just beginning, but, I trust my struggle and know I will come out of this an even stronger person then before.
Great guidance by Lennon. Videos were not around when human beings were first born. However, if those who have gained a certain level of enlightenment with themselves can spread that positiveness with others, it can only open up our minds and continue to keep our creative juices flowing.